Fat… ugly… stupid… slut… whore… bad mom… overthinker… unworthy… unlovable… bitch… drug addict… loser. Those are all things that people have said that I am. Those are words that have been used to describe who I am as a person. Those words hurt really bad. The people using them do not understand the struggle that I am facing in my life right now. I put on a happy face so that others may like me.
Don’t show to much emotion because that’s not attractive or you do not show enough emotion. What do I do then… why can’t I just be me? I feel like I have to conform to what other people want me to be…. and that’s still not enough.
I have been going through a lot. There is a lot on my plate right now. I am tired. Somedays I just want to sleep because I am fighting so much. I am fighting what people think of me. I am fighting to get more time with my son. I am fighting the blame I feel because my daughter is in so much pain. I am fighting the pain I feel with everything I have lost this year. I lost a family member, my kids, and a church family.
I can give and give. But here I sit barely able to feed eat because I am short on cash. I try to make sure others needs are met before my own. I do what I have to do to make everyone else happy… but my own happiness is in jeopardy. During all this… all this pain I feel. The one thing I want the most is my mom to call me or hug me and tell me “everything is going to be all right.” I wish my mom would love me enough to check in and see how I am doing. Never a call or a text from her.